He sat for a long time at the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees. His head was down as he held the page against his face. It didn’t matter how stupid he felt doing that; he felt like it might be impossible not to right now. His eyes were open but right now he saw nothing except a boy who wasn’t at home yet was with him all the same. “What am I gonna do, Trip?” The pup beside him suggested playing. But for once Ben didn’t respond to that idea.
The boy fell backward on the bed and looked up through the star window. The book was against his chest now, cradled next to his heart. It had felt really weird to go through Atan’s stuff like that. It wasn’t that he was snooping. He had permission, but it was still weird. He lay for what seemed like hours there just staring at the sky above him. It probably wasn’t hours, though. He just felt wearier than he really should.
After a while he read it again. He vaguely wondered how many times he’d read it already. And he wondered if he would find an answer if he were to read it enough times. Not for him, but for Atan. Reading wasn’t his best skill, but writing was even worse. He knew that. He had even told Atan so. Even so, he had still wanted to see what kinds of things the other boy wrote when he felt scared and confused.
Eventually the boy let out a long sigh that ended in a groan. “Ngh,” he told Tripper. “Shift over.”
Once the half-grown pup was out of the way, Ben rolled over and reached beneath the bed to draw out Atan’s own quill and ink. And with them he began to write on the next page. His script was messy, and it looked to him like sharp little stick things. His hand was bolder than Atan’s, too much so in places, compared to the uniformly neat and beautiful writing that his lover could make.
Banâk ‘nNi,
No, don’t bother scratching stuff out. The whole point was to like. Let me know what you were thinking, right? I don’t care if it’s dumb. It’s never going to be dumber than stuff I think.
And no, I didn’t have any second thoughts about going. I mean. It’s not like I wanted to, especially not Angmar. But I meant what I said, izrê. I’m not scared for me, and I’ll go anyplace you feel like you’ve got to go to find– whatever it is you’ve got to find.
But if you feel like going away isn’t the right thing, then we won’t go. If you really think the other way is right, then that’s what we’ll do. Whatever you decide, I’ll do.
I always, always meant it when I said where you go I go. I told you before, I know it’s not always a place. But I don’t care. I’m not letting go, Atan, no matter what. You won’t hurt me, and you won’t hurt Ian or anybody else. I’m not scared. I’m pretty sure Ian’s not either.
I can’t do this for you, izrê. You have to do decide, and then– You have to do it. But I won’t let you go through it alone. Ni-zêri ki, zîrân ‘nNi. Don’t ever forget that. I’ll be with you, and I’ll remind you what kâtha and shoom mean. Nothing can take that away, nothing.
We’ll be alright, Atan. I trust you, izrê. Trust me, too.
Hey. If I’m asleep when you come home, wake me up.
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Glyngaris
Aww, Ben. <3 Atan will feel better reading that, if not only for the surprise of Ben writing back.